MY NEXT LIFE by George Carlin

I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in Spa-like conditions—central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

(I have been informed that this piece was actually written by comedian Sean Morey)