The Power of Contrition
I was writing in my journal, following a winter feeling of being holed-up, living with less outdoor time and daylight, being chilly alot. The feeling traveled down into a deep place under my surface, and I began to get in touch with parts of my behavior I am truly embarrassed about. I suppose we all have these places we gloss over, where we spin the story so we seem guileless and innocent. Facing my arrogance about having things the way I want them — ugh! Not fun. I have been a dominator at times, and that's not easy to admit when I mainly like to think of myself as of service to others. I let myself go into that feeling of shame and remorse. Imagined how I'd feel if someone were doing the same things to me. I could fully empathize with the people I've been pushy or sharp with.

And so I sat down and wrote letters to the two people I felt I had done this to the most. The message was to the point; I admitted acting horrendously and said I would never do it again, that all I really wanted was to become a truly loving person before I die. I said I was writing because I knew that sometimes when you say these things outloud, the receiver can sweep it under the rug, and I wanted them to really know that I meant it. I sent the letters. And then, I began working on forgiveness, seeing that under my actions had been a feeling of panic about being deeply uncomfortable with things being out of order — out of MY kind of order. I saw that I need to work on tolerating chaos in my world, that disorder is just another kind of higher order. That by centering into my soul vibration, I maintain the only order I need, which is the experience of my own "god-tone."

(Trying to Remember to) Give Thanks
A strange distractedness is floating around among us, and I walk in and out of its cloud throughout the day, losing awareness then regaining it suddenly. Wow, it's so easy to space out! I have to MAKE myself go outside and smell wet leaves; today I picked up a lemon-yellow sycamore leaf the size of a plate that shocked me awake. "I am grateful" seems like a slightly distant sentiment rather than the state of perpetual aliveness I crave on a daily basis. Here in California, the grass is green, many leaves remain on trees, but progressively chilly nights are stunting the plant kingdom into a stupor: to grow or not to grow? My body is lulled as well. And the prospect of heaping mounds of food coming soon to Thanksgiving tables everywhere! How odd it is that we here have such abundance, so much stuff, clutter, and input of every kind that it dulls us. We can't use the all nourishment we eat, and are arrogantly complaining about how hard it is to lose weight — when people in other countries are scrounging like animals. I have so much! I'm not apologizing for what I have, but looking for a way to stay deeply in touch with my actual needs, and that they are always met. Contemplating THIS humbles me, and this helps me enter gratitude.

Practicing in Dreams
The last week or two I've noticed that my sleep/dream state has been deep yet mildly disturbing. I have not been able to remember distinct dreams but wake feeling like I've been very busy and pressured. I remember vaguely that I am "practicing a new formula" and it seems to have to do with a way of thinking or manifesting the world around me. I recall impressions of a sequence, and of subtle body postures that go with the progression. The practicing is not "fun." It is work. I go over and over it. And the next night, I repeat it. When I don't get it quite right, I experience tension from the poor alignment of intention and skill. About 3pm in the afternoon, I want to eat dinner, and about 6pm I want to go to bed. When I ask my inner self what I am doing, the answer is: You're tuning to a new source place, creating new pathways. The world will change.

Election Fever
While in Baltimore, I did a research reading on future trends, and what came out was an explanation of how the Democrats would regain power for awhile, but eventually prove to be caught in the same kinds of hypocrisy or lack of morality as the Republicans. That it would eventually be impossible to cast aspersions and blame "the other" as the duality reality collapses. At that time there would arise a sort of third party, or candidates who weren't so affiliated with a party — people like Barack Obama — who understand higher awareness and can translate it into policies that work for all the people, not just the dominant party's "base." I, for one, am tired of seeing our President running around in rolled-up shirtsleeves, not doing the job of President or looking presidential, but acting no better than the TV pundits by making partisan commentary about John Kerry, or Terry Schiavo. And, having that commentary, in the case of Kerry, be full of hypocrisy. This is not a president's job. Anyway, I am trying to remain objective about the overall process of growth of our country and the world. I will edit the trends reading and offer it as a podcast on my site as soon as I can.