The Disappearing Self
I am reading a book about people's experiences of becoming enlightened. As I digest what they report, I notice we are in a time of an almost ridiculous polarization, on the verge of annihilating our physical environment and nameless numbers of lives through excruciating hatred and greed while simultaneously, a core group is on the verge of real enlightenment. Does it take the intensity of the physical plane today to catalyze the heights of good AND evil? One of the experiences reported by the enlightened people is: the sense of personal self is gone, nowhere to be found, yet the Self or soul is everywhere in everyone, and you don't care that your little self is gone. You don't need it. The physical body knows how to move around and it is powered by universal wisdom. You are along for the ride! I am curious how we move into enlightenment, especially without gurus or outside triggering causes. My guidance says: The toddler, at a magical moment, has an instinct to put one foot forward. The parent steadies but doesn't walk for her. You walked, out of your own overflowing little spirit, and there was the greatest joy in that, remember?! The praise? Heaped upon you? Still there is that foot-forward urge and at each age, you step into a new, wobbly endeavor. Recover the desire, the joy in the courage-that-isn't-courage but just pure simple extending. Your little heart wants the world and your "parent" is always there steadying you yet not interfering as you learn. When you fall it doesn't hurt; you get up fast because you want the freedom of expanded movement. Even now—that urge cannot be squelched. Now it says, "I want to dissolve my ego. Here I go. Watch me!"

Making It Easy for My Guidance to Get Through
This past week was one of the most intense and contracted I've experienced in quite some time. The slingshot was pulled back to its farthest stretching point where my consciousness felt the most separate from the divine. The heavy wet blanket on me was making my muscles ache and my mind numb. Then a friend reminded me that we need to find a form for contacting our inner guidance that is easy and reliable, and we need to practice making this nurturing connection every day, to have a dynamic interrelationship with spirit. Duh! So, I sat down and these words came to me: I call on my sacred community, existing at every level and every number frequency, coming to me quietly through resonance from the galactic center, to the crystal heart of my council, to the earth heart, to my brainheart, to my cells' hearts. You are present in the one moment; whenever I call you to connect, you call me to connect. We are immediately joined and present with one another. "I am in you and you are in me." (Feel it.) "In the silence there is no distortion. I call you and you call me. We are now alert to 'the Need.' What do I want You to know? What do You want Me to know?"

And then I started to do some direct writing, and the insights came pouring through. Simple things like: I want You to know that I am confused as I make this transition. I am happy to be moving on and I am also mourning. Why could I be sad? You are not really sad, it is a particular movement of your mind where as your soul moves you on, the ego thinks it must negate everything that has occurred, everything you have been interested in, so as not to be accused of being WRONG. It confuses new growth with "right" and what has paved the way with "error." You confuse this riptide feeling with sad swooning. Calm yourself and love everything for its role in creating your existence. At times I feel very alone. We are here, just ask and feel. Unless you like feeling alone, or sad. We can wait. (Wink wink.)

My Kindly Billionaire Grandfather
I am definitely at the end of a period of karma—I can feel it. The karma is about many lives of devotion to God, and my deep identity as a minister, missionary, and upholder of God's laws. There is something in me that has been so steeped in spiritual ethics and uprightness (not rigidly, though) that I could hardly see past it to a looser, more frivolous, pleasurable way of being. Now I am bored with that "old way." The ethics are ingrained and don't need much attention, and I don't feel like correcting anyone anymore. As the consciousness that goes with taking vows wanes, I find I am curious about creating more money and perhaps a more complicated life. I've never been materialistic, and have always kept my rates at a "fair" level. I have tried to keep a balance between not having too little nor too much—either was considered a "sin," or a missing of the mark, by the early Essenes, to whom I relate strongly.

I see that the ministerial consciousness has limited my creativity. The inner me would come up with creative ideas, and an internalized voice would say, "But that won't allow people with lower incomes to participate." Or, "If you look too flashy, people will not get the teachings you're trying to embody. You can't seem egotistical, or allow people to give their power over to you!" I realized I could have a different voice in my head that gave approval for my great ideas. That was the voice of my kindly billionaire grandfather. He says, "Penney, where would you like to live? What kind of house do you want and need? Just tell me and I'll get one for you!" So, I am practicing. Seeing that with many things, I never spelled out what I wanted because my frugal minister would say I didn't REALLY need that much, now, did I? But, hey! We're all entitled to manifest whatever we can think of!

"Counter-Intuitive": Arrrrrrgh!
The rains continue here in northern California, 25 of 31 days in March, and nonstop into April. My visions are full of images of me lying in pools of water in the center of the earth, receiving IV's from spiritual doctors containing some sort of high-frequency liquid crystalline "medicine." Deluge imagery aside, I turn my attention to a pet peeve today. Once again, I heard a savvy interviewer, this time on NPR, proclaim that something was "counter-intuitive." This seems to be a fashionable new term these days—one that people are throwing around without really understanding what it means. They are using it to mean "illogical," describing something that doesn't make sense or goes against what we know to be true. In its truest sense, counter-intuitive means to override your intuition. One's intuition may certainly be illogical at times, but it is mainly a sense of direct knowing, of trusting one's body and soul, without mental proof. Something that goes against intuition is a basic reversion to belief, logic, and proof. It would be counter-intuitive to NOT call your mother when you've been thinking about her all day. It would be counter-intuitive if you chose to mouth the party line instead of speaking your own truth. It would be counter-intuitive to not follow a hunch, or dismiss a strange, new creative idea, or gloss over a dream that warned you to be careful of what you eat this week. But it is not counter-intuitive when an idea doesn't fit the constraints of cultural norms. Sheesh!!!