Welcoming the Unwelcome
I am in Florida spending the holidays with my spry 84-year-old mother and her equally spry 88-year-old second husband, who have been together for 10 years, having fallen in love in their seventies. Though life is slow and we don't wander too far from home anymore, I see how their active, positive minds are keeping them young and relatively healthy. They take their vitamins, don't eat much meat, and stick to small portions of fresh foods. Yet all is not idyllic in their world; Christmas Eve day, his elder son decided to come visit, at the last minute, inviting himself to dinner, to stay overnight, and sit in on present-opening Christmas Day — though we had no gifts for him. He also brought with him his ill-trained Great Dane. My mother despises these visits, as she feels she must cook, make up a fresh bed, and cater to his needs while he has never once brought a thank-you gift, offered to help, or taken them out to dinner as a gesture of gratitude. In addition, his dog gets up on all the furniture, puts its face close to your plate at the dinner table, and eats her best Christmas ornaments, all without a word of discipline from the son. She was seething underneath the surface, and I was being drawn into it with her.

The son is sweet, but out of touch with the social graces, which comes off as basically arrogant. I decided that this is Christmas, after all, and I would simply do what I could to be kind to him, his no-boundaries dog, and my mother, who was working herself into a tither. The effect wasn't too perceptible on the outside, but I could feel the subtle differences in the tension in my heart and chest as I oscillated subtly back and forth from judgmentalism and irritation (merger with my mother) to a more neutral softness as I allowed the situation to be just what it was. I don't know if my energy touched any of the others in a meaningful way, but I was educated about the tiny shifts we can all make in our emotional postures, about the benefit of living free of irritation.
Photo by Penney Peirce

Thinking vs. Being; Words vs. Silence
I have been thinking about thinking lately. How the self-generated yakketyyak only stops when we read a book, listen to the radio, or watch television, substituting other voices for our own. Occasionally, we meditate and have a modicum of success at suspending the static. The last few days I read the stacks of back issues of the various journals I get, looking for articles on particular subjects, and finally tossing what wasn't pertinent. By the time I was finished reading all the various experts — some highly intellectual and wordy, some new-agey and wordy, some with what they thought were brilliant insights, and a rare few who spoke simply and clearly — I was ready to never talk again!

I did find, however, a blurb from Gangaji's book, The Diamond in Your Pocket, where she describes her discovery that she was the beingness that runs through everything. She says, ". . .there occurred a remarkable shift of attention from my story of being to the endless depth of being that had always existed underneath the story. . . Finally, I realized that whatever I thought was always only a thought, impossible to rely on because it was subject to conditioning and disappearance. In the discovery of truth, thought could no longer be trusted. Thought could no longer be master. The previous fear of not knowing was transformed into the joy of not knowing. To not know was the opening of my mind to what could not be perceived by thought. What profound release!" These words feel so clean and catalytic. We really don't have to use so many words. What cannot be perceived by thought? Let us put down our cell phones and be still.

Orbs and Pom-Poms
I met with one of my Japanese friends, Yoshie Usuba (who took this picture) who was in town the other day, a successful professional woman who is also highly intuitive and sensitive to energy. For many years she has been taking photos with her digital cameras and finding circles of light all over them. At first she thought it was a camera anomaly, but it happened with every camera she used. Sometimes there was one large sphere of light in the image, and other times, as when she photographed a large fashion show or a Buddhist ceremony, there might be hundreds, of all sizes, scattered over the whole image like water bubbles. She fondly calls them "pom-poms" and has been collecting the images for years. Now, I discover that my publisher is doing a book on this phenomenon — it turns out it is quite widespread — and in the US the images are called "orbs." In fact, there is a conference on Orbs in Sedona in April. Are these things related to crop circles? Are they manifestations of collective consciousness? My friend has closeups of large ones and they show distinct mandalic patterns at their core, as well as spirals. Are nonphysical beings imprinting their energy on our digital media? This is intriguing to me, and I wonder if it only happens to people who are somewhat "conductive" in nature, who have a particularly receptive energy field...

The Highly Sensitives
I was listening to Thom Hartmann on Air America the other day and he related a study I found interesting. He was talking about the huge numbers of people in our society who now take anti-depression medication. One man's doctor had prescribed it for him to help him quit smoking, and he felt so good, he just kept on with it. Why don't we allow ourselves to feel "depressed"? One of my wise friends used to say that depression was biologically-induced meditation. There's always a good reason behind our emotional contractions. If we go into the density instead of taking a happy pill or dulling ourselves with alcohol, we can permanently dissolve the ideas we hold that are not in alignment with our soul's truth. And we can gain amazing insights. And then we get real joy.

The study showed that in a normal community of chimpanzees, a certain percentage — the same percentage as in humans — acted "depressed." The people doing the study then carefully removed the depressed animals from the group. Instead of becoming ebullient and upbeat, the chimp community created the exact same percentage of depressed animals again. It turns out that these community members are the highly sensitive ones, and they are responsible for keeping the rest of the group safe and alert. Among other things, they sense approaching danger and are the ones to scream out. I like the connection between being highly sensitive and seeming depressed compared to other more "normal," perhaps less aware members of society. Perhaps we need to re-examine the whole phenomenon of depression and view it with spiritual eyes and a mind that understands the subtle dynamics of energy and consciousness.

The Power of Contrition
I was writing in my journal, following a winter feeling of being holed-up, living with less outdoor time and daylight, being chilly alot. The feeling traveled down into a deep place under my surface, and I began to get in touch with parts of my behavior I am truly embarrassed about. I suppose we all have these places we gloss over, where we spin the story so we seem guileless and innocent. Facing my arrogance about having things the way I want them — ugh! Not fun. I have been a dominator at times, and that's not easy to admit when I mainly like to think of myself as of service to others. I let myself go into that feeling of shame and remorse. Imagined how I'd feel if someone were doing the same things to me. I could fully empathize with the people I've been pushy or sharp with.

And so I sat down and wrote letters to the two people I felt I had done this to the most. The message was to the point; I admitted acting horrendously and said I would never do it again, that all I really wanted was to become a truly loving person before I die. I said I was writing because I knew that sometimes when you say these things outloud, the receiver can sweep it under the rug, and I wanted them to really know that I meant it. I sent the letters. And then, I began working on forgiveness, seeing that under my actions had been a feeling of panic about being deeply uncomfortable with things being out of order — out of MY kind of order. I saw that I need to work on tolerating chaos in my world, that disorder is just another kind of higher order. That by centering into my soul vibration, I maintain the only order I need, which is the experience of my own "god-tone."

(Trying to Remember to) Give Thanks
A strange distractedness is floating around among us, and I walk in and out of its cloud throughout the day, losing awareness then regaining it suddenly. Wow, it's so easy to space out! I have to MAKE myself go outside and smell wet leaves; today I picked up a lemon-yellow sycamore leaf the size of a plate that shocked me awake. "I am grateful" seems like a slightly distant sentiment rather than the state of perpetual aliveness I crave on a daily basis. Here in California, the grass is green, many leaves remain on trees, but progressively chilly nights are stunting the plant kingdom into a stupor: to grow or not to grow? My body is lulled as well. And the prospect of heaping mounds of food coming soon to Thanksgiving tables everywhere! How odd it is that we here have such abundance, so much stuff, clutter, and input of every kind that it dulls us. We can't use the all nourishment we eat, and are arrogantly complaining about how hard it is to lose weight — when people in other countries are scrounging like animals. I have so much! I'm not apologizing for what I have, but looking for a way to stay deeply in touch with my actual needs, and that they are always met. Contemplating THIS humbles me, and this helps me enter gratitude.

Practicing in Dreams
The last week or two I've noticed that my sleep/dream state has been deep yet mildly disturbing. I have not been able to remember distinct dreams but wake feeling like I've been very busy and pressured. I remember vaguely that I am "practicing a new formula" and it seems to have to do with a way of thinking or manifesting the world around me. I recall impressions of a sequence, and of subtle body postures that go with the progression. The practicing is not "fun." It is work. I go over and over it. And the next night, I repeat it. When I don't get it quite right, I experience tension from the poor alignment of intention and skill. About 3pm in the afternoon, I want to eat dinner, and about 6pm I want to go to bed. When I ask my inner self what I am doing, the answer is: You're tuning to a new source place, creating new pathways. The world will change.

Election Fever
While in Baltimore, I did a research reading on future trends, and what came out was an explanation of how the Democrats would regain power for awhile, but eventually prove to be caught in the same kinds of hypocrisy or lack of morality as the Republicans. That it would eventually be impossible to cast aspersions and blame "the other" as the duality reality collapses. At that time there would arise a sort of third party, or candidates who weren't so affiliated with a party — people like Barack Obama — who understand higher awareness and can translate it into policies that work for all the people, not just the dominant party's "base." I, for one, am tired of seeing our President running around in rolled-up shirtsleeves, not doing the job of President or looking presidential, but acting no better than the TV pundits by making partisan commentary about John Kerry, or Terry Schiavo. And, having that commentary, in the case of Kerry, be full of hypocrisy. This is not a president's job. Anyway, I am trying to remain objective about the overall process of growth of our country and the world. I will edit the trends reading and offer it as a podcast on my site as soon as I can.

Halloween and the Other Side
I did a research reading on the unique power of this time of the year. People brought many interesting questions, especially about what happens after death. What came through repeatedly was that nonphysical beings are extremely telepathic, as are we when we quiet down. The minute we think about a loved one who is "on the other side," they think about us. They don't know if they thought of us, or we them. It's so simultaneous. In those higher mental realms, thought processes are lightning fast. Also, those who are connected by love are consciously intentional about helping and serving each other. It also came out that many people work with souls who are crossing over or who have died and are not clear where they are. If you dream of catastrophes where many people die, you may actually be there helping, and not seeing your role in the scenario. The information we got is fascinating, and I am going to edit it and put it on my site soon as a podcast.

Mapping Global Dreams, and More
I'm in Baltimore and met today with John Petersen, the founder of The Arlington Institute, which focuses on futurism and global transformation. Their work is fascinating — a synthesis of many thinkers and visionaries, everyone from Whitley Streiber to Ingo Swann to Joseph Jaworski. John listens intently to every visionary dream and insight, persistently plugging the data into some big databank in his awareness. Our intuitive information about coming trends lined up fairly well, and I ended up doing a reading for them on their own future. One fascinating project they have in the works is the WHETHER Report, a new Global Strategic Early Warning Capability. They are interested in tracking largescale "global surprises." Part of this is to record global dreams: people write their significant dreams into a global database with software that will analyze the content for themes, locations, intensity, etc. It would enable us to see that water dreams, or earthquake dreams, for example, were happening with more frequency in certain parts of the world. I encourage you to check out their work.

Release Isn't Always Relief
The elm tree out back is raining yellow leaves. The sun, even at noon, has taken on a yellow cast; the overexposed white light of summer has finally shifted. And my energy is coming back! It seems there is "release" in the air. A nuclear explosion in Korea, an earthquake in Hawaii, the surfacing of hypocrisy in the "anti-gay gay Republicans" (thanks, Al Franken and Jon Stewart). Release is an important function, especially when the egomind has been trying to control life for too long. But release isn't always pleasant. It's reassuring to know that the soul force in all of us (I believe there is one soul force permeating everything) absolutely WILL break through when we become too calcified, but what happens immediately after the breakthrough is fairly chaotic. Radiation in the air, toppled buildings, a change in the power structure in government — or, more personally, our own minds run rampant through worst possible scenarios, rage and blaming games, and addictions of choice. Now is the time to get ahold of ourselves, to give ourselves a good talking to! I thought awhile ago that I needed Dr. Phil to come into my living room and lay it on me! Then I realized I was going to have to do it myself. "So, girl — what exactly ARE you taking responsibility for? Is it fun living with you? Are you willing to do the work?" I can just hear him. I also heard on the news that people today expect to work less for more money. No one values the ethic of working hard anymore, putting in dues, or perfecting their skills and craft. Release is not relief. In spite of people flocking to the Abraham-Hicks teachings and Donald Trump seminars, I sense life is in the process of releasing some big-time energies that will challenge our inflated, lazy ways and return us to our roots.

Crystal Cave of the Heart
I have been describing the energy intensification and the process it has triggered over the past few weeks, but it seems to have started mid-August and built toward the crest. After the full moon the other day, it seems to have softened, and an integration period has ensued. Yesterday I wrote a poem about going into a crystal cave in a quiet mountain, and this morning I got an email from another intuitive I know, Jan C, who is very perceptive and she says: "For the past week and a half, the energy has morphed very rapidly. Spirit told our groups that a core healing has occurred, all we have to do now is give permission, and that we can easily release to the Light anything that no longer serves. A Heart Crystal (size, shape, color determined by the individual Soul) was placed, with permission, in the physical heart, and began resonating and expanding according to the mission and purpose of each person. This is not a crystal as we think of the word, but a living, expanding experience of ourselves from Source. This contiunes to pulse and stretch to receive. In addition, an experience was presented to link the Heart and Mind, so that the mind comes back into service of the heart. The Love energy has now started to arrive in quantum waves, and is impulsing the Heart Crystals. The Light has paved the way for Love, and it is now here, so that we can truly begin to be the Love that we are. Some physical bodies are responding to this with additional clearing that must take place to be able to hold the Love frequency, but Core Healing will help with that. All we have to do is give permission."

The Meaning in My House
When you live in a house for many years, sometimes your eyes become so accustomed to the view, to the relationships between objects, that you forget why you acquired and put the things in their order. I find myself much affected by visionary and tactile impressions; to see parallels between the designs on the dishes and mugs I use and the fabric pattern on my big armchair gives me pleasure. I picked things because they connect me to meanings I want to remember. In my house are many sacred shapes; arrangements of round baskets to hold offerings and vows, circles and sunfaces to bring wholeness, spirals to remind me of evolution's movement, snakes, dragons and wavy branches that speak of the organic, curving way to travel through space, the muted colors of the sunrise sky and clouds, of grass and leaves, birds and feathers that speak high truth, old bones that reveal the core of matter, and ancient rocks from across the world that bring all places into me so earth is Home. I remind myself of the sacred, in every way, and still some days, I forget to just BE it. I forget that the objects in my home look to me as their next incarnation, their hope for the future, their path back to God.

Meditation on Problems
I've been watching a DVD of Gary Renard and one of his Disappearance of the Universe workshops. In it he tells of a meditation which I like very much because it is so simple and effective. You imagine you ask Jesus or the Holy Spirit (or whatever guide works for you) to take you to God. On the way there is an altar. On the altar you place all your problems and things you need or want. The idea is that you will have nothing before God, nothing in the way that is more important than placing your whole consciousness on the divine. By placing your problems on the altar, you are saying that you have faith that God can take care of all of it easily, and all you really want is communion, to be in the joy. Then you go the rest of the way into God and allow yourself to feel the love that results. I have been doing this, but also decided to go back in my life and do it at various times in the past. That was an amazing process; clearing the seeds of issues that eventually built up into more major problems later in life. I wonder if at some level I have changed something fairly profound. . .

Important Breakthroughs
I am noticing in my clients that September seems to be bringing new energy and breakthroughs. People were jammed up and stuck a bit so far this year, but this month I am hearing stories of clearings. Ending relationships that haven't been right for quite some time, letting go of feeling victimized and threatened by people reporting you to authorities (professional review boards, police) and suddenly the situation turns around and charges are dropped. Offers for new work collaborations and career advancement coming out of the blue after people made space by being honest with their parents. Having the perfect home space drop in your lap after being blocked for several years and putting up with a living situation that makes you feel small and pathetic. People seem to be blooming. And just when you thought nothing would change!

Important Deaths
I am, of course, thinking of the people who died together in 2001 on this date, in NY, PA, and DC. I'm thinking of the ones who are now dying of inhalation-related illnesses caused by the WTC collapse. I'm also moved in an inexplicable way by the recent bizarre death of Steve Irwin, the crocodile man. Certain deaths have such a strong symbolic impact, as though by their form they are meant to break open our minds and punctuate an important point. What is important when we contemplate deaths? Certainly, to reinforce our determination to live our own lives in a way we admire the dead people for living theirs. And for being courageous and graceful, generous even, in the way they faced death and passed through it. And, to not be part of "the living dead," which some days I feel I border on, living shallowly and not appreciative of all that I have and can be aware of. So, today, I resolve to live more consciously!!

Write What You Know
Not long ago I visited the John Steinbeck museum in Salinas, CA. I hadn't read Steinbeck in years, and when I did it had been in the days before I understood what good writing really is. The museum itself is nicely designed and gives an intimate experience of the man and his works. There is a room for each major book, with the corresponding motion picture playing on a screen. There are letters in his own hand, and you can look at the truck he, with his dog Charley beside him, drove across the country. What I love about Steinbeck is that he wrote about what he knew; didn't try to be fancy. He penetrated into the ordinary, let everyday folks be profound, showed us that we all have that inspirational nature inherent within ourselves, that just by being ourselves we contribute amazing things. You don't have to go far from home to be universal. He says, "...I discovered that I did not know my own country...was working from memory...I had not heard the speech of America, smelled the grass and trees and sewage, seen its hills and water, its color and quality and light.. .So it was that I determined to look again, to try to rediscover this monster land. Otherwise, in writing, I could not tell the small diagnostic truths which are the foundations of the larger truth." We seem so separate today from those small close-up truths, looking anywhere but at the mundane for relief from the emotional pressures we feel. We forget there are some highly useful universal lessons in the consciousness of our great classic artists.

Freeing the Bull in the Barbed Wire
I've had an amazing experience of the power of believing in someone. I have, for well over 10 years, put my faith in a friend who has been plagued by more than his share of traumas, and who often flailed about and hurt people close to him because of the wounds. He could be wise, mystical, generous, smart, and compassionate, alternating with outbursts of vehement anger and controlling behavior. I thought of him sometimes as a bull tangled in a barbed-wire fence. He often hurt me as much as he helped me. For some odd reason, though, I never rejected him, but kept talking to him about who I saw behind his gapped, polarized actions and thought patterns. I've always believed that people live up to how you see them. In his case, this is becoming true at last. Deep healing and insights come when they're ready, not necessarily when you want them to. Recently, certain trigger events in his life catalyzed a drama that helped him feel through to the deep causes of his suffering, and showed him how to correct his thinking. The elegance of it was awesome. And the speed of his transformation was too. It makes me so happy, because my whole life is based on the premise that transformation of fear into love is possible in any situation. Sometimes with very dense or stuck cases, there is a tendency to doubt. But deep down, I know. Love does conquer all.

The Courageous Innovators
I'm headed home from New Mexico, having been inspired by people who are taking chances to be innovative. Some have quit prestigious jobs to start new businesses, like Colleen who is a Harvard MBA and management consultant to manufacturing businesses, who is founding a company to manufacture healthy building blocks for "green" walls, made from recycled wood chips and concrete. Like Alan, who works for the state but on his own time composes amazing, upbeat, contagious songs for children and sells the CDs quite nicely online. Like Christa, who is popularizing the benefits of drinking hydrosols, the watery byproducts of distilling essential oils (I tried them and they are stunning!). I visited Mesa Verde and the Anasazi cliff dwellings, and here's another example of incredible innovation and fortitude. What is next for me? How can I be proud of myself, live on my own innovative edge, and combine old with new to reinvent myself? I feel this urge to sprout new sprigs, to be current, to be even more contributory in a way that adds more sanity to the world—AND, that is fun!

Regreening the Proverbial Desert
I am in Santa Fe, New Mexico and have attended several meetings for my friends' conscious real estate development project, Na'avoteh and The Rainmaker Institute, which has been birthing itself for several years, but is now actually happening. They are a spiritually-sophisticated group, with much knowledge about the ecosystem, sustainable buildings, and the subtle underlying patterns that need to be aligned before a truly correct form can manifest. They are basing the project around the water element, and acting as the ancient Native American rainmakers did, calling for the regreening of the arroyos and the regreening of our minds—by loving the water and letting it love them. They are doing it right, building to high "green" standards, and the plan is to have an incredible spa combined with a learning center like Esalen or Omega, as well as a variety of housing, a plaza and village center with live/work spaces, and an egg-shaped kiva with a water feature as the heart of the place. My designer-self is in heaven watching this love-based vision come together!

A Strange Sense of Coordinated Flow
I have been in Albuquerque, New Mexico visiting a friend who lives across the street from the vast open space of Sandia Mountain. I've heard the coyotes at night, seen hummingbirds darting everywhere, and the unseasonal thunderstorms produced the most dramatic charcoal gray clouds and brilliant double rainbows I've ever seen. What a gift to be plunked there! I did an evening reading on future trends and met interesting new people. While driving with my friend looking at houses, we had a close call where a motorcyclist tried to pass us on a curve as we were pulling off the road to the left to take a picture. We missed him by a hair and he was seriously angry. She got out and expressed true concern for him, and though he was severely shaken, he calmed down quickly and all was resolved. I have the sense that everything is being coordinated at a higher level, that I am sliding along a waterslide, mind not involved with perception of meaning and purpose, but more importantly, my consciousness is showing me that what could have been uncomfortable or destructive can turn out miraculously well.

The Role of Bones
I have embarked on a driving trip. Across California to Nevada and on to the Great Salt Lake, then across Wyoming and down to Denver. I am visiting my sister who has broken her ankle severely and is limping along courageously, putting more and more weight on the surgically-pinned bones, building strength excruciatingly slowly. I tried her crutches, the new kind that use wrist and upper arm strength rather than armpit pressure, which is now supposed to be bad for you. I made it about 3 steps. I now understand the determination it takes to rebuild oneself, one's bones, in this physical world, in time. In constrast, I am floaty, wasn't sure even what day to leave, then suddenly, I left at 5am and drove to Salt Lake City; 11 hours. I am waiting for a sign now about which day to leave for Albuquerque; no signs arrive. I feel into the subtleties of my urges; yes, no, not yet, maybe. What role do bones play in my life? What stability do I have? What stability is caving in or dissolving in my life? Mine is not as obvious as my sister's. What role does this seemingly aimless journey have in my life right now? Am I rebuilding?

The Heat Is On
Well, Al Gore sure picked a perfect time to launch his movie on global warming! We've had 2 weeks of over 100 degree temperatures here in the San Francisco area, with no fog, no breezes, not much cooling off at night—and my house is limited at best in its air conditioning capacity. It's an interesting challange to BE with heat. If I relax into it and don't resist it, don't resist sweat running down, or hands swelling, I find my mind goes very soft, and easily unconscious. It's hard to maintain mental focus. I am reminded of being in South Africa last year—in the spring—and yet there were some very hot days. I noticed men sitting under trees at various spots around town, not selling or doing anything—just staring into space. I wondered about them then, why they just sat there. But if you live with heat and no way to find relief, I can imagine your mind develops a habit of fuzzing out around the edges. Action, just moving your body, seems difficult. I am leaving soon to drive to Denver and New Mexico, by myself. I like driving long distances; it's meditational and centering. Everywhere, it will be over 100 degrees. What will I encounter? I am going now because it wants to happen now. Logic has no place in my planning. I will move and be moved.

Is Anybody Out There? You Bet!!
The advantage of having life slow down is that the more subtle life lessons, that I might normally gloss over, can knock me over the head with their brilliant love and humor. I've had very few phone clients this month and when someone finally called to book an appointment, I was happy and grateful. Two days later, she cancelled, saying, "I don't think I have any questions so it's probably not a good time for me to have a session." OK. Literally 20 minutes later, one of my regular clients called. "I just finished meditating and got that I should call to see what you're reading these days." I told her and she said she didn't think her book club would be interested in nonfiction. "But how are YOU?" she asked. I humorously told her about the dearth of clients and she said, "Well, I have money right now, so why don't I have a reading with you?" Oh, no—I said, but you are a sweetheart. "Yes!" she said, "I don't have any questions right now but that's probably the perfect time for me to have a session! I'll send you a check. I said she could just pay me when she came for the appointment. She said, "I want to send it. I want you to feel that money is coming to you!" Then, one of my women friends picked up, by the subtle tone of an email I sent her, that I was feeling a bit low. About 4pm my doorbell rang, and there she was, dressed in a gorgeous blouse with butterflies all over it, with 2 huge bunches of lush gold and purple flowers, a bottle of wine, and chocolate! "I thought you might need these," she said—the understatement of the year. It's like Spirit is saying, just because we've put the world on pause momentarily for you, doesn't mean we're not here, or that we aren't actively loving you. Just stay centered and in a state of peaceful joy. . .

Live Music in My House
Last week I was visited by 2 Japanese men. One is a man who has worked as my interpreter, and the other is a scientist. Both had attended the ISSEM conference on subtle energy in Boulder, CO. We had a great breakfast, during which Shin told me that he had been a stubborn scientist; "most are, you know," he said, laughing. "And that is why I got cancer. But I healed myself by getting rid of negative emotions and by playing the cello every day." He and Kaz were both full of joy and almost glowing—like divine elves. And after our omelettes, they came back to my house and Shin set up his cello and played a mini-concert. I play music often in my house, but there is a decided difference between what comes off a CD and the living vibrations that emanated from Shin's cello. I could feel the harmonious resonances going into the walls of my living room and into my body. No wonder Shin healed himself! The cello is nearly the full length of his body and the tones would go right into the cells. After they left, merrily on their way to Mt. Shasta, I sat in my empty living room. It felt alive. Me too. Spirit had struck our tuning fork.

The Universe Is Our Sales Rep
I took a teleclass last week on internet marketing hosted by 2 high-powered consultants-to-the-stars, reportedly raking in megabucks. One guy said he had hired a personal trainer to get him going at 6:30 in the morning and now he has even MORE energy to use for getting those big contracts! Every minute of the day is productive. Wow! I finished the call thinking, "Should I be more like this? Am I too lazy?" Their pitch attracted nearly 400 people to the teleclass—obviously the promise of what they offer is seductive to many. But I wonder: what's the motivation to make these spectacular amounts of money? To fulfill "outrageous goals in 90 days"? They claim to be spiritually based. But aren't they missing the power of BEING vs DOING? Aren't they missing the simplicity, grace, and surprise of what "spirit" brings us as our next opportunity—even when our minds aren't focused sharply with high intention and our goals aren't crystallized by ad nauseum list-making? I see that generating high energy and enthusiasm is extremely important to raise our body and personality as close as possible to the soul's vibration. That way the highest opportunities and results can easily occur. I just don't want to do it in a mentally stragegic way that feels unnatural and reeks of applied will power.

It seems to me that if we maintain natural enthusiasm, we also naturally want to stretch into what's new, to push the comfort zone and learn more. Will power and clever salesmanship doesn't seem to be so necessary—the universe makes the connections for us. The end goal is the joy of living, of fully occupying each moment, whether it seems full to the brim or empty—not just having material abundance. This is where I differ from most coaches today. Certainly there are mental techniques for arriving at and achieving goals but so much of it seems dry and bony to me; no juice, no flow, no water to wet the whistle. It seems to me there are new ways to live into our destinies that we are just now discovering. Upon first glance they seem too easy or invisible, but in the end they are elegant and powerful.

Turn on the Faucet!
My friend Karen and I got together one night last week to have a study group—just the 2 of us. We read passages from some books and settled into a theme concerning how we were going to call forth and manifest the next period of our lives. She is good at manifesting things she needs, and I asked her how it feels when she's in that particular flow. She said it was like a big faucet had been turned on, and she was in the stream of energy and it was doing everything. All her needs were taken care of, everything was perfect, and she could relax knowing that. So she went into the state, and I closed my eyes and went in with her. Up 'til then, when I looked out into the world, I could only see a charcoal grey dense fog. The future was greyed out right up to my nose. But as we sat in the streaming energy and let it go out into the world as far as it wanted to, the fog began to clear. I could feel my own frequency rising to a high state, and slowly, I began to see lights and crossing lines of light. These, I knew, were people, situations, and events that were lining up to begin occuring in my world. They'd been there all along but I was only seeing the sludge. Was what I could see just a function of my energy level? Indeed, over the next few days, I received phone calls from people I hadn't thought about for ages, invitations to work in new places, go swimming at someone's beautiful pool, and one person gave me a new book that I think will be important.

Our Last Bits of Resistance?
I notice a theme in some of the clients I've been seeing lately. They are coming in with a very vague sense of what they want to know, of what they want, and are more focused on their problems. When I refocus them on their desires and needs, they jump back to the problem within minutes and remain focused on the negative drama. They want answers about what new forms will appear in their lives to relieve them of the situations they feel trapped in. It's always been interesting to me that in readings, my guidance speaks about what's needed next: when people are at the end of a cycle of form, like the end of a job or marriage, they must next go inside and work on their inner process, digest what went right and wrong with the last phase so they can know what to create next. At this point, I don't get alot of information about new forms, because that would interfere with their creative process. Instead, the guidance is about how to clear blocks to moving forward, how to clarify their mind and work with universal principles to allow the necessary shift to occur. I speak generally about what things are possible, to help trigger imagination, but always emphasize that the all-important "choice to change" has not been made yet, and nothing will happen until there is conviction inside the client. If, however, the person has been working internally for awhile already, I get detailed descriptions of new work, relationships, houses, a move, or whatever is waiting in the wings to manifest.

It seems that lately, people are hesitant to face the last core level of blockage that is between them and living their destiny. I sense that many people are very close to being free of limitation and negativity, yet perhaps the avoidance of chosing to go through, instead of fly over, their anticipated "most painful blockage" still wields the most authority in their lives—more than their soul, which would move them forward in a compassionate way were they to trust themselves and life. But I don't think we can hold out against the soul too much longer—it will have its way with us! And thank goodness. But it's frustrating when people are in this stubborn resistance space and want the answer to come in only one way, but they're not clear what they actually want to hear, and can't seem to hear very well anyway, no matter if I rephrase an insight 6 ways from Sunday.

Complaining
I've been reading the latest Abraham book by Esther and Jerry Hicks, Ask and It Is Given, and am aware of a couple bad habits that get in the way of me manifesting new levels of good stuff from my soul. I see that when people ask me, I occasionally complain about what's happening in my life. I usually do it with a smile and a chuckle, as though I don't take it too seriously—"this too shall pass" sort of thing. Maybe it's not good luck to say things are going well? Maybe other people will think I'm egotistical? Maybe I'd make them feel uncomfortable if my life were superb and theirs wasn't? In any case, it's still creating a block to the flow of my imagination. It's causing my own vibration to be lower than that of the thing I'd like to create, and that prevents me from receiving what I want. Second, when I'm at the end of a period of activity and about to begin a new one, my mind complains about the old one, as though it's limiting me. I created 6 months of very busy work last year and as I was finishing it, I complained that I didn't have time to watch a video. Then I created a period of rest with videos whenever I want and I am now complaining because I don't have enough work. Not letting myself be in the joy of receiving the universe's answer to my requests slows my vibration. It's all about upping the vibration of my field or state. It's about telling myself: Good job! Now what would I like? And imagining something intriguing and fun. Nothing blocks us but our own densities.

Pronouncements
I was talking to a wise, highly experienced colleague of mine, who recently had a novice medical intuitive volunteer a diagnosis. It seems she had something growing in her brain, possibly a vein was going to explode. My friend's intuition told her the information was way off, but it had been delivered firmly as a pronouncement of truth. In spite of her common sense, this intrusion of negativity into her reality made an unwelcome impression that she couldn't shake. She checked it out with medical professionals and, as she'd thought, it was nothing. But the fear, for awhile, had a grip on her. I had a similar experience not long ago; a psychic told me blithely, and uninvited, that I had 15 years left to live. I was shocked, upset, and infuriated. I didn't want that sticky, dirty, cruddy thought overlaid on me like a suffocating wet blanket. How dare someone intrude into the realm of influencing my future?!!

It took me several weeks to find a way to let the pronouncement go and reclaim my right to die when I want to. One friend told me that he has seen repeatedly that spiritual sources often know the circumstances of how we will die, but the timing is not clear. That helped. But I also had to ask myself: Why did I create that shock coming into my consciousness just then? Yes, it was a wakeup call. Get going; life is shorter than we think! Yes, it was a way to force me to take control of my own destiny and not be dictated to by outside authorities. And yes, it helped me let go of HAVING to live a long life because that's what I thought I needed to do to accomplish some great work. It helped me examine what I was living for and let go of old motivations. I made that pronouncement useful. For my friend, the message she was giving herself with the misdiagnosis was to work more intentionally with rewiring the energetic circuits in her own brain, through meditation. And yet, we both noted that these uncomfortable experiences reminded us of the ethics of how WE want to empower our clients.

I'm Happy that You're Happy
I called my youngest niece Julia to wish her a happy 15th birthday today and we chatted wittily away. Finally I said, "I'm happy that you're happy," and she immediately followed with, "I'm happy that you're happy." We laughed. Later in the car, I thought: this cyclical, nonending commentary is the true talk of souls. I'm happy that you're happy. We cause each other's joy by our own joy because the other's joy IS our joy. Later in the day, I went to an outdoor meditation with a group, hiking down to a tiny beach looking up at the Golden Gate Bridge from the Marin Headlands. We sat in a row along a log, with me on the end, and practiced open-eye meditation, following along as one of the men guided us into a relaxed, allowing state. In spite of the fact that the sun was setting, turning the bridge a radiant red and glinting golden off the city's glass buildings, and gentle waves were lapping at our feet, I could feel through the surface mirage and experience the patience and love of pure space.

I closed my eyes, fell into a world of light particles, and felt the soul in everything. The world was playfully coming together to create millions of reality bubbles. A voice said, "This shining universe is yours." I felt the meaning loaded into the words. I was being reminded that our existence, this cooperation of soulforce, this warm love-light that makes us, IS our birthright. We can use it, enjoy it, splash in it to our heart's delight. It made me think that in spite of being busy and productive, I am only scratching the surface of what's possible to experience in a single lifetime. Suddenly, I began to feel that someone was coming onto our little private beach and might invade our sacred space. I opened my eyes, looked to my right, and found myself face to face with a large Canada goose, standing just feet away staring at me. l smiled at my cocreation, not knowing for a moment if the goose was real, not actually caring, just thrilled at life's imagination.

DaVinci Code Mania
I love movies! And in spite of how critics are panning this film, my friends and I thoroughly enjoyed it, and didn't feel either the casting or the length was inappropriate. In fact, it brought the images from the book to life in a way that greatly enriched my capacity for imagination. I think the messages in the movie/book are important: That there is a hidden history of mankind that is on the verge of being uncovered, and the missing pieces of Biblical history are a part of the overall saga. That the divine feminine is crucially important as a doorway into higher states of awareness, that it facilitates an experience of the divine in each person that need not be regulated and doled out by priests. That feminine awareness (intuition)—and women—have been suppressed by the patriarchy that has ruled religion and politics for generations as a way to maintain a power that has now become corrupt due to contraction, isolation, and imbalance. That the literal interpretation of the Bible and other sacred texts needs to shift to a more intuitive interpretation where we see the teachings pointing to processes that help us become enlightened, rather than to objects to be hoarded. That the Holy Grail is not a cup, but the feminine principle, which translates spirit into matter and vice versa (thus the inverted, tip-touching pyramid symbol from the film is highly accurate).

The material backslides a bit into materialism, in my opinion, in its depiction of the feminine principle as represented by one divine woman and a "special" blood lineage, when metaphysics tells us that all women, and the female part of all men, can act as this transformer of awareness, this bridge between realms. And that we are not limited by our ancestral heritage, but can draw from all beings at any time to create our life experience. The film does us a great service, though, by showing us how to interpret symbols, look below the surface of things, and how to think in more intuitive terms.

Graduation
I'm in Atlanta, GA at my niece's graduation from Emory University and it has touched me in a couple ways. First, at the end of the high honors special ceremony, which my niece was part of, all the graduates stood up and applauded the faculty who, like them, took on the extra work in the 11th hour of going for the high honors award, to mentor them along and jury their oral defenses. I am so used to hearing the self-centered, hip, ugly, disrespectful, cynical street-style language from young people today that I almost forgot that there are still people who apply themselves willingly and work incredibly hard, with so much discipline, to achieve something that doesn't necessarily pay off immediately. And that these kids so highly valued the adults who helped them. Second, I was pleased to feel the international nature of the makeup of the students and how many disciplines were represented, how many kinds of minds and personal interests can be accommodated in the educational system and the professional world, and they all make our world a better place. It gives me a small glimpse of the incredible diversity that enriches our life on earth and makes me wonder why people hate each other. Do the biology graduates hate the theater and fine arts graduates, for example, because they are different? Certainly not! It doesn't compute in my mind, in this day and age of global media connection, that people aren't truly interested in each other as fascinating, perhaps unexplored, components of themselves.

Celebrity Worship
A friend who used to help organize programs for me recently said she is moving on to create conferences with A- and B-list speakers only, so she wouldn't have time to do much else now. Obviously, by implication, I was not in those categories. And after having also been immersed in studying how publishing has changed to be mainly about celebrities who have a national "platform," and who can buy thousands of copies of their own books and guarantee a large audience, I sat shaking my head. What has happened to our minds? Are we afraid of the unknown, and only want proven commodities: brand name products, People magazine regulars—and insist that any talented person be made into a celebrity to have continued success? Are we too lazy to do our own research, or trust our own intuition, about what or who will perfectly fill the need in us? Are we such fad-followers that we cannot think for ourselves, originally, and start our own trends, or be positive influences for those around us?

When marketing ourselves, we are constantly hit with this need to be a celebrity by acting like one. The humble offering of high quality does not stand out as it should. I'm thinking of the American Idol tryouts and all the people who want to write a book, who are blogging, or putting out podcasts. I hope celebrity isn't the way we are distinguishing what to pay attention to, as though what stands out the most has the most worth. To me, celebrity can breed shallowness, not allow innovation and evolution, and celebrities, who become archetypal models that are inhaled by masses of self-starved people, can become "possessed" by those people. If they don't perform their assigned function, their possessors turn on them. It's especially odd that we now have spiritual superstars, mega-money-makers with big personalities and publicity agents. It's not that "real" spiritual teachers need to be poor and unknown—I just tend to trust the quieter ones.

For My Father
It is 6 years today since my father died. I have taken to lighting a Guadalupe Virgin Easter candle on May 1 every year, as I did when I found out he had died suddenly and alone 3000 miles away. I talk to him and ask Her to look out for him, wherever he is and whatever form he is in now, and I let the candle burn all the way down. I sense he has incarnated again already, and I have thought much about the ethics of calling on a loved one in their old personality when they have begun to create a new life with a new name. I know the soul probably experiences living all its lives at once and has no problem orchestrating the logistics, probably doesn't even grasp the idea of overlaps like this. The linear definition of lives is just too narrow. But I want to be respectful. I think back to going into his home in Florida as executor of the estate, and sitting at his desk to begin to make sense of things. It was a couple weeks later, and the desk flip calendar was turned to May 1. He had paid all his bills that day, taken friends who had helped him out for an early dinner as a thank you, and everything was in order. His desk was neat. He came home and sat down in his chair and his heart gave out. They found him four days later.

I had no warnings, psychic as I am supposed to be. But that day I couldn't work on my book or concentrate, and just paced around the house. Finally I decided to go see a movie, and ended up watching "Frequency," about a man talking to his dead father across time. I think my father didn't want anyone to interfere with his exit, didn't want the flood of emotions that would come. So he blocked everyone. Being in that movie at the exact time he was dying was as close as I could get to him. After I finished in his office and house, and took possession of his ashes in their plain little cardboard box, which he wanted me to take care of, I wrote this:

Time to leave your home
for the last time
closing all the doors like a ritual
I take your ashes,
your little, simple, condensed self,
and I say out loud:
"Let's both go now.
Let's just go."

The Disappearing Self
I am reading a book about people's experiences of becoming enlightened. As I digest what they report, I notice we are in a time of an almost ridiculous polarization, on the verge of annihilating our physical environment and nameless numbers of lives through excruciating hatred and greed while simultaneously, a core group is on the verge of real enlightenment. Does it take the intensity of the physical plane today to catalyze the heights of good AND evil? One of the experiences reported by the enlightened people is: the sense of personal self is gone, nowhere to be found, yet the Self or soul is everywhere in everyone, and you don't care that your little self is gone. You don't need it. The physical body knows how to move around and it is powered by universal wisdom. You are along for the ride! I am curious how we move into enlightenment, especially without gurus or outside triggering causes. My guidance says: The toddler, at a magical moment, has an instinct to put one foot forward. The parent steadies but doesn't walk for her. You walked, out of your own overflowing little spirit, and there was the greatest joy in that, remember?! The praise? Heaped upon you? Still there is that foot-forward urge and at each age, you step into a new, wobbly endeavor. Recover the desire, the joy in the courage-that-isn't-courage but just pure simple extending. Your little heart wants the world and your "parent" is always there steadying you yet not interfering as you learn. When you fall it doesn't hurt; you get up fast because you want the freedom of expanded movement. Even now—that urge cannot be squelched. Now it says, "I want to dissolve my ego. Here I go. Watch me!"

Making It Easy for My Guidance to Get Through
This past week was one of the most intense and contracted I've experienced in quite some time. The slingshot was pulled back to its farthest stretching point where my consciousness felt the most separate from the divine. The heavy wet blanket on me was making my muscles ache and my mind numb. Then a friend reminded me that we need to find a form for contacting our inner guidance that is easy and reliable, and we need to practice making this nurturing connection every day, to have a dynamic interrelationship with spirit. Duh! So, I sat down and these words came to me: I call on my sacred community, existing at every level and every number frequency, coming to me quietly through resonance from the galactic center, to the crystal heart of my council, to the earth heart, to my brainheart, to my cells' hearts. You are present in the one moment; whenever I call you to connect, you call me to connect. We are immediately joined and present with one another. "I am in you and you are in me." (Feel it.) "In the silence there is no distortion. I call you and you call me. We are now alert to 'the Need.' What do I want You to know? What do You want Me to know?"

And then I started to do some direct writing, and the insights came pouring through. Simple things like: I want You to know that I am confused as I make this transition. I am happy to be moving on and I am also mourning. Why could I be sad? You are not really sad, it is a particular movement of your mind where as your soul moves you on, the ego thinks it must negate everything that has occurred, everything you have been interested in, so as not to be accused of being WRONG. It confuses new growth with "right" and what has paved the way with "error." You confuse this riptide feeling with sad swooning. Calm yourself and love everything for its role in creating your existence. At times I feel very alone. We are here, just ask and feel. Unless you like feeling alone, or sad. We can wait. (Wink wink.)

My Kindly Billionaire Grandfather
I am definitely at the end of a period of karma—I can feel it. The karma is about many lives of devotion to God, and my deep identity as a minister, missionary, and upholder of God's laws. There is something in me that has been so steeped in spiritual ethics and uprightness (not rigidly, though) that I could hardly see past it to a looser, more frivolous, pleasurable way of being. Now I am bored with that "old way." The ethics are ingrained and don't need much attention, and I don't feel like correcting anyone anymore. As the consciousness that goes with taking vows wanes, I find I am curious about creating more money and perhaps a more complicated life. I've never been materialistic, and have always kept my rates at a "fair" level. I have tried to keep a balance between not having too little nor too much—either was considered a "sin," or a missing of the mark, by the early Essenes, to whom I relate strongly.

I see that the ministerial consciousness has limited my creativity. The inner me would come up with creative ideas, and an internalized voice would say, "But that won't allow people with lower incomes to participate." Or, "If you look too flashy, people will not get the teachings you're trying to embody. You can't seem egotistical, or allow people to give their power over to you!" I realized I could have a different voice in my head that gave approval for my great ideas. That was the voice of my kindly billionaire grandfather. He says, "Penney, where would you like to live? What kind of house do you want and need? Just tell me and I'll get one for you!" So, I am practicing. Seeing that with many things, I never spelled out what I wanted because my frugal minister would say I didn't REALLY need that much, now, did I? But, hey! We're all entitled to manifest whatever we can think of!

"Counter-Intuitive": Arrrrrrgh!
The rains continue here in northern California, 25 of 31 days in March, and nonstop into April. My visions are full of images of me lying in pools of water in the center of the earth, receiving IV's from spiritual doctors containing some sort of high-frequency liquid crystalline "medicine." Deluge imagery aside, I turn my attention to a pet peeve today. Once again, I heard a savvy interviewer, this time on NPR, proclaim that something was "counter-intuitive." This seems to be a fashionable new term these days—one that people are throwing around without really understanding what it means. They are using it to mean "illogical," describing something that doesn't make sense or goes against what we know to be true. In its truest sense, counter-intuitive means to override your intuition. One's intuition may certainly be illogical at times, but it is mainly a sense of direct knowing, of trusting one's body and soul, without mental proof. Something that goes against intuition is a basic reversion to belief, logic, and proof. It would be counter-intuitive to NOT call your mother when you've been thinking about her all day. It would be counter-intuitive if you chose to mouth the party line instead of speaking your own truth. It would be counter-intuitive to not follow a hunch, or dismiss a strange, new creative idea, or gloss over a dream that warned you to be careful of what you eat this week. But it is not counter-intuitive when an idea doesn't fit the constraints of cultural norms. Sheesh!!!

Prayer, 9, and the Divine Feminine
My numerological year this year is 9. Completion, letting go, opening to the unknown, replenishing, lying fallow, as well as getting back in touch with expanded imagination and visionary abilities. I feel such a sucking of my energy down, or is it out, into the deeper, or is it higher, dimensions. Recently I have become fascinated with the idea of prayer and have been writing and reading prayers. I added a section to my website: Pick a Prayer, as well as a new message page—and my first special message is on this subject. I sorted through many prayers from around the world, choosing ones that are very alive and not too wordy. I loved the immersion of doing this. It occurs to me that prayer is a method for shifting from the individualistic, masculine mind that we use everyday—the "enterpriser self" I wrote about last week—into the feminine consciousness, or primal self, that reveals our oneness and fullness. There is much to say about the ascendancy of the divine feminine and its relationship to the art of BEING, and it is much on my mind these days, as it too is connected to the experience of 9 and universal awareness. This is something I am tremendously excited about, and will be penetrating into much more in days and weeks to come. For now, I ponder the deeper meaning in the words of the prayer that used to scare me, but now gives me great comfort, that I still say every night before dropping off to sleep: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. If I should live another day, I pray to God to guide my way.

Equinox
I bought daffodils yesterday and they're arching their necks and blooming proudly and perkily next to my computer right now. They have more life force than I seem to today! Here we are, day and night of equal duration, the equinox allowing us to contemplate the BALANCE OF OPPOSITES. I've been aware of a need to pull in and just BE, that the most interesting work I'm doing may be at night while I sleep. I want to absorb and feel nurtured, not necessarily to put out and create in an ambitious way, as I see so many people—caught in the rat race—doing nonstop (how do they replenish?). A friend used to call this the balance between the primal self and the enterpriser self, or the deep feminine and the materializing masculine. I've been focused in the enterpriser for a long time, living in the frontal lobes of my brain—what another friend used to call "the walnuts"—and life seems dull and flat. The primal is calling me, dragging me, down. Going down into the formless, into the purely experiential, helps eliminate clutter—which is another part of what the equinox is about: move now beyond the winter contraction, shed the old skins, break through the shells. Be squeaky new like tender green shoots, vulnerable, unprotected, yet motivated by a fierce force that is so much greater than your current concept of self, that aims to grow you to maturity and knows the blueprint. Decluttering is not a masculine act, but one of dissolution and release of memory. Today is the day of reckoning: can I feel nurtured enough? Can I trust that unknown lifewave that is just beginning to rise, that will carry me forward to where I know not?

Armageddon Meditation
I realized a couple days ago that I was having symptoms of a sort of "bi-location" I often experience just before a world event where people die en masse. Often I need to sleep in the middle of the day, or find myself thinking thoughts that are not mine. This time I was thinking about giving up, how difficult things are and how nothing is working. I thought I might be possessed in some way and called a psychic friend who is attuned to these things. He said "No, you're picking up on a world event; and that's what the world is thinking right now." I had thought earlier this year that we had entered the Armageddon time, that it was possible we would see a first sign of nuclear or biological warfare soon. I seem to work on the other side with mass deaths, helping people use the energy of the event itself as an aid to enlightenment. It's a strange notion, but as I meditated on this later, I saw that many people, both in the body and between lives, help stabilize souls who choose to leave with a group in a dramatic physical event.

We can all help with this: my guidance showed me that we must practice breathing: "I inhale and receive everything from the world; I exhale and give everything I know and have to the world. I inhale and lovingly include everyone inside my ball of awareness; I exhale and communicate love to every particle of every body in the world. I inhale and expand into a huge ball that includes huge amounts of universal wisdom, I exhale and transmit that wisdom to all sentient beings." We can include people who are about to die in this meditation, and we can do it as we're stopped at a traffic light or waiting in line at the market.

Spring Rains
It's been raining for days here in San Francisco. A couple weeks ago, before this series of storms began, I dreamed I looked in my back yard and the water was up to the lower edge of my picture windows and about to come in. Yesterday I moved my night stands in the bedroom to vacuum, and water was seeping in along the baseboard; the carpet was sopping wet. Flashing back to the dream, I thought about the meaning of both my night dream and "day dream." Water like this feels like an outpouring of emotion, perhaps from my own personal depths—things I hadn’t known were there—or perhaps it’s an invasion of feelings from society and the world. Whatever is surfacing, I haven’t fully realized what it is yet. I’m just acknowledging that when emotion needs to become conscious, it seeps in no matter how protected you think you are.

Preparing the Guest Room
Over a year ago, for reasons I did not fathom at the time, I dismantled and removed the double bed in my guest room and took the art off the walls. The room has sat, echoing and nearly empty, all this time. Somewhere along the way, I painted it a warm yellowish-orange that changes with the afternoon light, and pleases me. It took me awhile, though, to be able to tolerate the lack of order, function, and settledness in this compartment of my home, and life. Why did I do it? Take away the open invitation to guests to stay with me? I get that I have been examining the whole idea of intimacy and who to bring in close. So, it is odd, that for the same unfathomable reasons, I have bought a new sofa-bed and cute floor lamp, hung new art, and added music to the room, where I now go to read and meditate. Who will appear next as the Visitor?

Compassion for a Killer
I rented the DVD "Monster" where Charlize Theron plays a female serial killer. Her performance affected me for days afterward; I can't imagine what depths it plumbed in her. To have the lack of ego to empathically flow into the heart of a person so wounded and desperate that the line between murder and self-preservation melts away—Wow! I wonder if Charlize knows how a courageous performance like this one can stir such profound issues in ordinary women like me. She became that serial killer, and I became that serial killer. At some level we are all that serial killer, and we are all the wounded, abused women, and we are all the abusers. But for the grace of God that frees us from self-sacrifice and suffering, and the gauzelike veil that makes our individual lives seem separate, any one of us might have walked that path. It is less and less easy for me to judge anyone else because I keep flipping into the space behind their eyes.

The Guadalupe Virgin Lands
The houses on either side of me have been empty for months. And in the past few days new families have moved into both. On one side, an older Hispanic man who runs a landscaping business, and who promptly cut down all the trees, took out the hedge, and paved the front yard so he could park his many trucks there. On the other side, a younger Hispanic family with three small boys who make those high-pitched, ear-busting screams as they play on the swingset. I have no preconceived ideas about Latinos, no biases. It's just interesting that I am being put in contact with SOUTH, the direction of the physical, of life force and emotion, without leaving home. Hmmm. Yes, I think I do need more of this, and less mental focus. . . I am waiting to see what gifts of consciousness these families bring with them, what role they will play in my growth. Why has my movie changed? From my bedroom window, I see that Jose has only thin lace curtains on his bedroom window, and inside on the wall is a huge poster of the Guadalupe Virgin. I have a Guadalupe light switch, candle, and mouse pad.

Renewal
The weather has cleared and I am going to meet one of the locals, with whom I have coffee most mornings, in the city to see the exhibit of old photos from the 1906 earthquake, now showing at SFMoMA. I take the ferry across San Francisco Bay, water glistening, cormorants flying in a low black line next to the boat, and dock at the Embarcadero. Today I do not turn on my computer, look at email, or check my phone machine! Free! Breathing real salt water-tinged air. Exposure to the elements!! How did this get to be a rare occasion in my life? Walking the short distance to the museum, it's hard to believe this city was once razed. The photos are amazing! Here are the first panoramic shots, taken by a wide-angle lens hoisted by balloon over Nob Hill. Where frame houses were, there is NOTHING, just ash with bits of foundation showing. Men are sitting in chairs, wearing bowlers, in the midst of huge piles of rubble and loose bricks. Grinning. Makeshift tents house new restaurants, people document the devastation with their new Kodak Brownie cameras—all the rage then. Women are picnicking with umbrellas. I see that as I am renewing my own mind today, the city grew back amidst a spirit of cheerfulness and industrious collaboration. Ahhh.

Let in the Light!
I'm not usually drawn to gurus or the kind of spiritual growth where transmissions of energy are required, preferring to access higher states directly myself. But some people have come to my attention who are giving transmissions of an energy that comes from a guru who says that if we can achieve 64,000 enlightened souls on the planet, the earth can easily shift out of duality, divisiveness, and suffering. Curious, I went to a demonstration for a small group, during which the practitioners walked around placing their hands on our heads for a few minutes. During my experience, I had a quick, spontaneous vision of an older, warm, dignified, relaxed me taking her seat at a higher level among a group of beings who were both colleagues and family. We were done! We were satisfied. I experienced a flash of my own self-assigned mission being accomplished, that everything I've ever done has been in concert with the other beings, and everything has been on purpose. And some part of me has always known this. Such a shift of identity! I don't know what the energy did, if it was "special" energy, or if I was just ready to open more and used the session as an excuse, but I feel much less anxiety. There is a feeling in my body that may be a precursor to something akin to enlightenment. I want to start using this word a little more; I sense enlightenment is within reach for many of us in this lifetime.

The Heart is the Highest Brain
I am slowly reading The Biology of Transcendence, by Joseph Chilton Pearce. He makes a case for the heart being the actual fifth level of the brain (the other 4 are in the head), and that we are designed for transcendence. He says, "Neither our violence nor our transcendence is a moral or ethical matter of religion, but rather an issue of biology. We actually contain a built-in ability to rise above restriction, incapacity, or limitation and, as a result of this ability, possess a vital adaptive spirit that we have not yet fully accessed. While this ability can lead us to transcendence, paradoxically it can lead also to violence; our longing for transcendence arises from our intuitive sensing of this adaptive potential and our violence arises from our failure to develop it." I LOVE this! What blocks the natural flow of consciousness from reptile to mammalian to human to soul, is only the perception of fear and separation, which throws us into survival mode, interrupts the transcendence, and irritates us beyond description.

Dissolving Hearts
My heart has been pounding, almost out of my chest, as soon as I lie down to drop into sleep at night. I am not aware of being anxious about anything. Is it a world event I'm picking up on? Is someone I know in danger? When this happened last December, my friend John died suddenly of a heart attack. I could interpret it as me having sympathy pains. Or, looking farther, I might see it as both of us attempting to stretch the capacity of our hearts to let more light, wisdom, love, and warmth shine through. John's heart couldn't take it and he burned right through into the bigger world out there, and became the heart, without limitations. Am I trying to do this without dying? To become the heart and see the world as the heartfield, to experience a seamless communion? Now I rub aromatherapy oil on my chest at night, and bless my heart. I welcome in whatever wants to come and focus on clearing away any guardedness I've inadvertently been holding. I trust my heart. I love it—that it keeps beating.

The Ego and Its "Special Relationships"
It seems that some spiritual force has picked me up by the collar and marched me over to the Unity church to attend a Course in Miracles study group. I read and studied the course many years ago, always liked it. Now I find myself dropping into the book midstream, and wouldn't you know, they're talking about something that is totally pertinent! Tonight we focused on how the ego (the part of the mind based on fear and separation) always forms "special" relationships, and always to get something. It takes people hostage who it thinks can give us what we didn't get in our past. It keeps these people close by attacking them and making them feel guilty, as though it is their responsibility to do this job for us, or we won't love them. They do the same to us—this twisted responsibility game we mistake for love—and we end up in cycles of violence of various degree, where blame, belittling, and sacrifice are the predominant modes. The ego fears forgiveness, thinking it will cause the Other to leave. So anger is the ego's main tool. "All anger is nothing more than an attempt to make someone feel guilty." I think of myself as a loving person, but this is a whole new thing to pay attention to! I do this attacking in insidious ways, deceive myself that I don't. Time for a little radical honesty. . .

Tending as Artform and Worship
I've just returned from Christmas holiday in Florida, visiting my mother and a coterie of 80- and 90-year-olds, who are actively creating good, entertaining lives. Though some are coping with the death of spouses, I am amazed at their positive attitudes. It reminds me that the business of creating our lives as we want does not end; old age is as fertile a time as any. And so much of their entertainment is simple. I've been traveling for 6 months of 2005, and I'm really ready to feel my house, tend to the tidying of its corners, and to my desk which has been gathering piles. I'm craving silence. I'm in a relationship with my house now, cleaning, replacing old things, moving furniture and art, examining how I move through the day here. Where do I stand? Where do I think? When do I shift gears from one activity to another? Focusing on small things, doing mundane tasks well, letting myself relate to the life in my dishwashing liquid, or the death of a lightbulb—no one will see this, but it is a way to love God. I know, and God knows.